


He hides on the dark side of the moon.

by iwantchocopie (hyemiyah)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Gen, M/M, brief mentions of mental illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-07-27 15:35:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7624231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyemiyah/pseuds/iwantchocopie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>His fears and his unfinished self<br/>await him down in the anywhere streets.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>He hides on the dark side of the moon,<br/>takes refuge in a stained-glass cell,<br/>flies to a clockless country of crystal.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Only the ghost of Lady Day knows where<br/>he is. Only the music.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	He hides on the dark side of the moon.

**Author's Note:**

> Round 2 of Xingdae Fic Fest and posted [here.](http://xingdaes.livejournal.com/15388.html)

 

 

"So what do I do, guys?" Jongdae whines. He knows he's being obnoxious, but Baekhyun is a hundred times more ridiculous and annoying, and they still put up with him on a daily basis. "Tell me what to do."  
"Okay, here's what you're going to do: you're going to go over there," Baekhyun scans the cafeteria, but he fails to find Yixing so instead of pointing to one place in particular, he throws his hand in the air. "To wherever it is that Yixing hyung is, and you're going to tell him how you feel."  
  
Jongdae's eyes almost pop out of his head. He lets out a soft whimper and looks as if he were about to cry. "I can't do that," he says, sounding even whinier than before.  
  
Baekhyun rolls his eyes and turns to his side to look at Kyungsoo. "He's whiny today," he says, pointing at Jongdae, who sits across the table.  
  
"When is he _not_ whiny," Kyungsoo deadpans. He goes back to examining his lunch tray, probably counting calories or trying to get out of this conversation by feigning interest in food.  
  
"He's never whiny with me; he just tells me to shut up a lot," Baekhyun continues. Jongdae lets out a loud, long sigh and rests his forehead on the table, his arms falling loosely on each side.  
  
"You do need constant reminding," Jongdae hears Kyungsoo say, matter-of-fact. He lifts his head a little and can see Kyungsoo pointing his chopstick in Baekhyun's direction.  
  
But Baekhyun is too busy making disgusted faces at his cucumber salad. He lifts one piece, examines it closely and frowns at it, like it’s offending him. Jongdae has no idea why he's been paying close attention to this whole ordeal. Kyungsoo still has his right arm raised; his chopsticks now hanging from his fingers.  
  
Baekhyun puts the cucumber back on his plate and says, "Do you think he's whiny in bed?"  
  
"Shut up, Baekhyun!" Both Jongdae and Kyungsoo say.  
  


 

 

☆☆☆

 

 

 

 

 

  
Jongdae blames it all on Minseok hyung. Even though he knows Minseok has nothing to do with it; he just needs someone to blame. But really, if it hadn't been for Minseok throwing Jongdae out of their room, this would have never happened.  
  
Or so he thinks.  
  
In all honesty, Jongdae is sure this would have happened sooner or later. Falling in love with Zhang Yixing, that is.  
  
It started the day Minseok and Luhan had a fight. Minseok had been frantically cleaning the room, and it had made Jongdae a little nervous the way Minseok was quietly rearranging his entire bookshelf. And although Jongdae would have to admit that Minseok is quiet most of the time anyway, he could feel the silence was different this time. There was something in his hyung's eyes, something that Jongdae had come to know well—since he recognises it whenever he sees his reflection in the mirror. Sadness, disappointment, resentment, bitterness. It's all there, bottled up.  
  
"I'm fine," Minseok had said with a sad little smile every time Jongdae asked him if he was okay. _I'm fine._ The most frequent lie told in the human history.  
  
Jongdae knew nothing was fine. He knew that Luhan was leaving soon. His scholarship ended this semester and his parents wanted him home. "No more fun," they had told him. Time to go back to Beijing and start training to become whatever his father wanted him to become. Jongdae wasn't sure if it was a lawyer or a doctor. But he knew Luhan came from a wealthy family. Not because Luhan liked wearing designer clothes and driving expensive cars, but because Minseok had told him one night when they both couldn't fall asleep.  
  
The truth is, Minseok didn't have to say anything for Jongdae to leave the room and give him space. Jongdae left on his own accord—running away from the silence that was too loud to bear, and into the common room.  
  
Despite the time, there was someone already there. Jongdae didn't notice the man at first, not until he saw his socked feet dangling from the couch. The TV was off, but Jongdae could hear a soft noise. As he got closer to the couch, he realised it was the guy humming.  
  
"Hey," Jongdae said, making the guy jump. Maybe he was a bit loud. Jongdae thought the guy had earphones in since he was humming, but he was just been reading a book.  
  
"Oh, hi! I didn't see you there," he put a hand on his chest. "Almost gave me a heart attack."  
  
Now that he was closer, Jongdae realised he knew this guy. He was Luhan's roommate. Also an exchange student.  
  
"You're Luhan's roommate, right?" Jongdae stood awkwardly behind the couch; he didn't know what to do. He had a book under his right arm. He wasn't expecting company.  
  
"Yep, I'm Yixing. Zhang Yixing," the guy said, adjusting his body into a sitting position. He looked like a sleepy kid, with his dishevelled hair and his cute accent.  
  
"Couldn't sleep, huh?" Jongdae knew the common room was big, but most of the time it was full of people watching TV or having late dinners or studying. It felt huge, that day, with just the two of them. Finals were over and people were out partying. Incidentally, it was too late for late dinners.  
  
Yixing shook his head, and he looked so much like a kid right then, Jongdae had to resist the urge to lean forward and fix his short bangs.  
  
"Lu-ge was scary," he said. So Minseok wasn't the only one who was falling apart, and Jongdae wasn't the only one who was mixed up in all the drama.  
  
"Do you happen to know if they had a fight?" Since Yixing wasn't offering the couch, or at least whatever space there was left, Jongdae sat in the nearest chair.  
  
Yixing however, was looking at him with bewildered eyes. "Who did?"  
  
"Our roommates?" Jongdae asked, a bit bewildered himself. _Was Yixing for real?_  
  
"Oh." It was coming together now. Jongdae could see it in Yixing's face, how everything was fitting into place. "You're Jongdae, right?"  
  
"In the flesh."  
  
Yixing laughed a little, and it was the cutest sound Jongdae had ever heard. "I'm sorry, my memory is so bad."  
  
"Don't worry about it. Also, we've never been properly introduced so... Our friends suck." This earned another set of silly giggles from Yixing, and Jongdae felt suddenly proud of himself.  
  
"They do, but we love them anyway," Yixing said earnestly.  
  
Jongdae thought about why they have never really talked before. Their roommates had been going out for what felt like ages—though at the beginning Minseok played hard to get and made Luhan _suffer_ —it was only natural that Yixing and him became friends over time. But it had taken Jongdae almost a year to actually start a conversation with him, and he pondered why it was he hadn't paid attention to Yixing earlier.  
  
"Yes, we do. I wonder why, though." Well, it didn’t matter anymore. Yixing had his full attention now. Jongdae knew he had a full scholarship, which meant he still had a year left. Which meant Jongdae had a year left to get to know him.  
  
"Bites me."  
  
There was a serious expression when Yixing said this, which made Jongdae laugh even harder. Yixing stared at him, a confused look on his face.  
  
"It's 'beats me'" Jongdae said, laughter still in his voice. Yixing's ears turned bright red, and Jongdae thought he wouldn't mind biting him, if that would make all of Yixing's embarrassment go away.  
  
"Oh, sorry," Yixing said then cleared his throat. "Hey, what are you reading?" He was trying to sound casual, but his ears were still red. Yixing was too cute for his own good, Jongdae decided.  
  
Suddenly, the huge volume of _Napoleon Bonaparte's Biography_ weighed a ton under Jongdae's arm. He eyed Yixing's choice: _Waiting for Mummy_. A children's picture book. It was unfailingly adorable, and it made Jongdae feel like the nerd his friends always claim he is.  
  
"Uhm," Jongdae started, "I'm...interested in history?" He knew he was answering a question with another question, and he couldn't help but make a face at how ridiculous it sounded.  
  
Yixing however, didn't seem to mind. "Cool," he said, and Jongdae saw him getting comfortable on the couch again, curling to his side towards Jongdae even though they were still separated by the back pillows. "Read for me, please?"  
  
"Excuse me?" _Was Yixing for real **real**?_ Jongdae was taken aback as much as he was glad Yixing didn't laugh in his face for his particular choice of book. But he was finding there was more to Yixing than meets the eye, and part of him wanted to know all there was to discover.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry," Yixing said sincerely, "it's just that there are lots of books in the library I want to read, but I'm not that good at hangul." He chuckled a little, probably out of embarrassment. Jongdae eyed his children's book again and realised it was more adorable now that it all made sense. Then, in something that sounded a lot like an afterthought, he added, "The only books they have in Mandarin are boring."  
  
The last part made Yixing sound like such a kid that Jongdae knew he wouldn't be able to say no. He had the feeling Yixing was the kind of guy people never say no to. "I don't think you'll enjoy this kind of book."  
  
"Why not?" Yixing's eyes were huge, as he waited for Jongdae's reply. Jongdae could only sigh in something like defeat or despair, he didn't know. Probably both.  
  
"It's about Napoleon Bonaparte."  
  
"The short French guy?"  
  
"He wasn't _that_ short, actually." Jongdae couldn't help himself say. Before Yixing could call out his nerdiness, he added. "He was quite average."  
  
But Yixing looked interested, if anything. Jongdae had a hard time reading his expression. But Jongdae also realised Yixing's eyes were droopy, as if he were eternally sleepy.  
  
"Huh," Yixing said after a few seconds, "I didn't know that. Tell me more about him."  
  
Jongdae closed his eyes and as he rubbed his eyes he smiled to himself. Yixing was insistent. "Okay," Jongdae sighed; he opened his eyes and saw the corners of Yixing's mouth turned slightly upwards. "I'll read to you. But promise not to fall asleep."  
  
"I won't!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Yixing fell asleep after ten minutes. Jongdae had reached the chapter that talked about Napoleon's fatal flaw: his impatience with very long-term calculation. They were getting to the nitty gritty, to the juicy part of the deed, but when he looked up—or rather down, at the couch where Yixing rested—to check if Yixing was as excited as he was, Jongdae found him asleep.  
  
He was still curled up to his side, but Jongdae could see his face. His eyelashes and his cute mouth twitching, as if he were dreaming. His dishevelled dark hair and his impossibly short bangs. Jongdae took a deep breath and smiled despite himself. He could smell Yixing's scent: soap and something sweet, like gummy bears. He marked the page where he had stopped reading and put his book down.  
  
As Jongdae leaned over to grab Yixing's book, he tried to smooth his hair without good results. And then, out of nowhere, Jongdae found himself planting a light kiss on Yixing's forehead. It startled him, how his body had acted of its own accord. He was horrified for a moment, frozen in place with his body awkwardly leaning over the couch, fingers almost touching Yixing's face.  
  
When he sat back on the plastic chair, Jongdae felt his heart racing and his cheeks burning. His eyes were on Yixing, terrified that he would wake up and demand an explanation. But Yixing’s breaths were even. Jongdae tried to resume his reading without luck. No matter how interesting the start of Napoleon's doom was, right now he could only think of what he had done. And what it could possibly mean So after a few minutes that felt like an eternity to Jongdae, he took his sweatshirt off and covered Yixing’s body with it, his hands shaking the entire time.  
  
The room felt a lot more dangerous than any temper tantrum Minseok hyung had ever thrown.  
  


 

 

☆☆☆

 

 

 

 

 

  
Jongdae has seen sadness for as long as he can remember.  
  
The way his father kissed his mother goodbye every morning like it was his duty, and not something he wanted to do. And how his mother stared at his retreating back as if she were trying to find traces of the man who once loved her.  
  
"Why are you not in love with mum anymore?" Jongdae asked once when he still had traces of the child he once had been in him; when he was still a bit innocent.  
  
"What do you mean?" his father asked. He finished rinsing off dish soap from a plate, then handed it to Jongdae to be dried. They were in charge of doing the dishes that night. "I love your mother very much."  
  
_Not like that,_ Jongdae wanted to say. He didn't ask his father why he no longer _loved_ his mother. He wanted to know why he wasn't _in love_ with her anymore. What had made him fall _out of love._  
  
Jongdae wanted to know so that he could tell his mum and she could undo whatever it was that she had done. To push whatever buttons were needed to be pushed so that she would stop being sad. So that she would stop dragging Jongdae to the university where his father worked, where they both sat at lectures he was too young to understand. Where people bowed to his mother and gave him candy. Where, no matter where they were, they never saw his father. Jongdae wasn't even sure they went looking for him.  
  


 

 

☆☆☆

 

 

 

 

 

  
Jongdae doesn't think it's a good idea.  
  
"I don't think this is a good idea," he says, eyeing Baekhyun’s notepad. Is he seriously going to take notes? Jongdae has never seen him paying attention in class, much less take notes. This is ridiculous.  
  
"Trust me, it's for science," Baekhyun says.  
  
"You failed science in high school," Kyungsoo deadpans. Baekhyun completely ignores this and bows slightly at two guys walking the down the fall the opposite way. Jongdae walks a couple of steps behind, still unsure of the whole ordeal.  
  
"What if Yixing finds out?" He was aiming to sound casual, but the uneasiness he's feeling still shows in the quiver of his voice. He turns to Kyungsoo and mutters, "I can't believe you're in on this, too."  
  
Kyungsoo just shrugs.  
  
When they get to the practice room, they find Jongin playing a game on his mobile. Baekhyun throws a pen at him as he shouts, "Think fast!" But Jongin doesn't and the pen hits him right in the face.  
  
Kyungsoo punches Baekhyun's arm. "That was dangerous," he says, concern in his voice, "You could've stabbed him in the eye." Jongin rubs his face and nods at the same time, and Jongdae feels bad for Jongin, for having to put up with someone like Baekhyun. Then he feels bad for himself for having to put up with someone like Baekhyun, and he stops otherwise he'll end up feeling bad for the entire human race.  
  
"Yeah, sorry kid," Baekhyun says, not sounding sorry at all. "Let's talk business."  
  
Jongin glares at Baekhyun, "What if I don't want to talk? You could've killed me, you know?"  
  
Baekhyun lets out a tiny gasp at the accusation. "I would never try to kill you. At least not intentionally."  
  
Jongdae shakes his head, indignant. He can almost hear Kyungsoo's eye roll from where he stands next to him.  
  
"And this isn't even for me. It's for Jongdae."  
  
"Oh," Jongin's expression changes. Jongdae's always been fond of Jongin. He's a nice kid. That is, whenever he is not trying to prank people. "Hi, hyungs," he says clearly waving at Kyungsoo and Jongdae and ignoring Baekhyun.  
  
Jongdae hears Baekhyun mutter a, "Kids these days. So disrespectful."  
  
"Tell us about Zhang Yixing," Kyungsoo's straightforwardness startles Jongdae.  
  
"Yixing hyung?" Jongin replies absently. "Did he forget to return a book to the library or lose his student card and get locked out of the dorm or something? Is he in trouble?" There's no concern in Jongin's voice, not really. He sounds curious, as if he were used to these things happening to Yixing.  
  
"Let us ask the questions." Baekhyun commands. The rest exchange knowing glances and ignore him.  
  
"He's fine. We just want to know about him."  
  
"Huh," Jongin looks at Kyungsoo, then at Jongdae. "He's... Yixing hyung. He's probably the nicest guy I know. Too nice, actually. Makes you feel sort of bad sometimes. He's also a good dancer and he can play music without ever having been taught. He doesn't need to read music sheets to play a song, I think he doesn't even know how to."  
  
The speech seems to exhaust Jongin, who goes back to his phone. He doesn't ask why Jongdae would want to know about Yixing though, and Jongdae is thankful for that. He's already too embarrassed as it is.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
They go to the Information and Culture hall to meet Junmyeon hyung next.  
  
"It's where all the nerds gather," Baekhyun says. "I'm impressed you're not there all the time."  
  
"We're not seniors yet," Kyungsoo replies, and Jongdae wonders how he can be friends with people who hold such high standards of him.  
  
Jongdae spots Kim Junmyeon right away. He's sitting behind the counter wearing one of his sweaters that are as ugly as they are expensive, and he smiles and waves when he sees them. Baekhyun grunts, seemingly disgusted by the scene.  
  
"You guys wanted to see me?" Junmyeon says enthusiastically. He looks happy to finally have company. The only people who come to this place are tourists and the occasional lost student. The campus is not really that big, compared to other bigger universities, but it's still easy to get lost.  
  
Baekhyun takes out his notepad and pretends to read, "So, we know you're Zhang Yixing's exchange program buddy."  
  
Junmyeon looks a bit taken aback. "I... am..." he says, “Why do you want to know? Is he in trouble?"  
  
Who exactly _is_ Yixing? So far they've met two people and both of them have expressed concern about him being in trouble. Is he that much of a rascal?  
  
"Whatever he did, I'm sure he didn't mean it. He's a nice guy." Junmyeon sighs and closes his eyes.  
  
"What is it with this hyung? Does he run around starting fires or something?"  
  
Junmyeon's eyes look like they're going to pop out. "That was only _once_. And it was an accident. I’m pretty sure that’s what the report says."  
  
"Huh?" Baekhyun is a bit amused. He clears his throat, then, "We just want to know what kind of guy he is. He's not in trouble. _Not yet._ "  
  
"He's a good guy," Junmyeon says all high-pitched and fake. He's trying to hide his panic.  
  
"You're scared of him," Kyungsoo says.  
  
Junmyeon scratches the back of his neck the way Jongdae knows he does whenever he's nervous, or lying. Or both. "I wouldn't say I'm scared of him."  
  
"You're scared of him," Baekhyun says.  
  
"Not exac-"  
  
"He's scared of him," Kyungsoo tells Jongdae while pointing at Junmyeon, who looks small and defeated. Jongdae feels bad for him. But he has to admit, it is fun to mess with him.  
  
Junmyeon is the kind of guy who needs to know what people in his care are thinking, to have a plan about what to do once things don’t go as planned. But he seems to be having trouble with Yixing, who means well, but is still unpredictable. The worst kind for Junmyeon to deal with.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"What up, dipshits?" Luhan's greets, before he turns to Kyungsoo and adds, "And Do Kyungsoo." They meet in the cafeteria; Luhan demanded a burger as a bribe. Jongdae paid, reluctantly. He still has no idea what this whole situation is about. So far everything they've found out about Yixing is completely useless.  
  
"You have your bribe, now talk. Tell us what you know about Yixing." Baekhyun says in what Jongdae has decided to call his detective voice. Though he sounds like a kid playing pretend, mostly.  
  
"I didn't know I would have to betray my best friend. I demand two burgers."  
  
"Negotiations are over. You lost your chance. Now gab."  
  
Luhan looks truly crushed. "Damn!" he says. He overcomes his defeat quite quickly and proceeds to take a bite of his burger, but stops mid-way. "Wait. Why do you want to know?"  
  
"Just answer the question," Baekhyun says.  
  
"But you didn't ask anything," Luhan retorts. "I'm not answering anything until you tell me what's going on. Did you sleep with him?" He eyes Baekhyun as if he were trying to shoot daggers with his eyes. Jongdae can’t exactly blame him—Baekhyun has a history of one-night stands and broken hearts.  
  
"Not me," Baekhyun says, then points at Jongdae and adds, "This nerd did."  
  
Luhan's chokes on his burger. "Jongdae did!?"  
  
"I didn't!" Jongdae is going to _kill_ Byun Baekhyun. "I mean, I didn't do any sleeping. Yixing hyung did."  
  
This makes Luhan choke on his water. "What!?"  
  
Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and explains the situation. "They met in the common room. Jongdae read to him, and Yixing fell asleep on the couch. Then Jongdae left. I don't blame Yixing hyung for falling asleep though. Jongdae has very poor taste in books."  
  
Jongdae is too flustered to do anything but blush. His feet under the table move fast, but his butt is still glued to the plastic cafeteria seat.  
  
"Huh," Luhan says. He is still looking inquisitively at Jongdae, as if he could make him confess a murder with his stare or something. "So it's your sweatshirt he's been carrying around?"  
  
"Uhm... yeah... I guess…" _Why is Yixing carrying his sweatshirt around!?_  
  
"Yixing's a good guy. Break his heart and I'll fly back here to kick your ass." Luhan looks menacingly. Jongdae can guess how painful one of Luhan’s kicks could be. He's seen Luhan playing soccer, witnessed with his own eyes how hard he kicks the ball. "Please don't tell him I said this. He'll get all cocky."  
  
"Sure," Jongdae says. He feels pleased all of a sudden. As if he were trying to make a good impression on Luhan, despite having known him for a year already.  
  
“We hear he makes music?” Baekhyun steals one of Luhan’s fries before he can stop him.  
  
“The word is ‘compose ’, Byun,” Luhan retorts, “You know, it wouldn’t kill you to study some times.” He moves his fries to the opposite side of his plate, to make it harder for Baekhyun to steal more. “And yeah, he composes music. He’s actually pretty good. Better than Chanyeol.”  
  
“Park Chanyeol sucks!” Baekhyun yells.  
  
A few tables away, Jongdae overhears Chanyeol shout, “Hey, I heard that!”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Somehow this whole ordeal ends in Jongdae's room.  
  
"I don't even know why you guys are still here," he says to no one in particular. Baekhyun has already made himself comfortable on Jongdae's bed, and Kyungsoo is admiring Minseok's bookshelf.  
  
"If you like him then you just need to tell him, Jongdae-yah," Minseok says. Jongdae fidgets with the hem of his sweater. He's still standing by the door, not sure where to stand or sit despite being in his own room. It's always been a small room, but it feels tiny all of a sudden; stuffy and narrow and cramped with too many people. It's difficult to breathe. Jongdae should get out.  
  
"We were hoping you could tell us about him first," Baekhyun chimes in. He yawns and turns to his side so he's facing Minseok, but he looks cosy and sleepy, like a puppy after playing too much.  
  
"I don't know," Minseok says after giving it a thought. He's sitting on his bed with his legs crossed and the book he'd been reading next to him. "I mean, I don't mind telling Jongdae about Yixing, but why are you still here?"  
  
Kyungsoo stops scanning Minseok's books and says, "You're right, hyung. We already did what we had to." He walks to Jongdae's bed and slaps Baekhyun's shoulder. "Come on, Byun. Let's go."  
  
Baekhyun looks genuinely hurt. He turns to Jongdae and shrieks, "I can't believe you. After all I've done for you." But he stands up and follows Kyungsoo out of the door anyway. They leave Jongdae still standing awkwardly.  
  
"You should sit," Minseok commands and Jongdae obliges. "If you want to get to know Yixing you just have to talk to him, you know? He doesn't bite."  
  
"I heard he starts fires." Jongdae knows he's just making lame excuses.  
  
Minseok laughs good-naturedly. "You can't run away forever, Jongdae-yah," he gives Jongdae a knowing look. "You need to let people in."  
  
Jongdae knows Minseok is right, but he _has_ let people _in_. He has Minseok and Baekhyun and Kyungsoo. Jongdae knows where Minseok is going though, he knows Minseok won't be here next year and he knows that Minseok is worried about him.  
  
"Yixing and you have a lot in common, actually," Minseok continues. "You should get to know him." He smiles then adds, "And maybe when I'm gone you won't have to look for a roommate." This makes Jongdae’s skin crawl, but he has to admit having Yixing as a roommate would be better than having a total stranger.  
  


 

 

☆☆☆

 

 

 

 

 

  
They meet in the common room, again. Except this time Jongdae has his heart guarded and the information he collected in his head.  
  
"I heard you were looking for me?" He tries to sound nonchalant, but he probably sounds all fake and high-pitched, like Junmyeon hyung when he fails to hide his terror.  
  
"Ah, yes," Yixing says sounding completely unphased and looking unfairly handsome in just his sweatpants and hoodie. "I wanted to give this back to you and apologise for breaking my promise. I fell asleep." He rubs his neck as he says this, and that's enough for Jongdae's heart rate to rise to the sky.  
  
"I told you my book was boring." Jongdae is the one sitting on the couch now. Yixing sits next to him and Jongdae smells the soap on his skin.  
  
"What do you have today?" Yixing leans to take a look at the book Jongdae is holding and he smells so good Jongdae just wants to bite him. "Ah, Virginia Woolf."  
  
"Are you going to ask me to read to you again?" This is good, Jongdae thinks. Maybe not thinking about what to say is good. Maybe just letting out whatever is in his head isn’t so bad after all. Still, he needs to be careful; otherwise he'll end up telling Yixing how much he thinks he loves him.  
  
"Can I?" Yixing says with puppy eyes. _Is Yixing flirting back?_  
  
"Only if you promise not to fall asleep." _Is Jongdae flirting back **back**!?_ Something must have snapped in his brain because then he hears himself add, "Again."  
  
Yixing laughs and Jongdae is elated. He wants to spend his life listening to Yixing laugh.  
  
So Jongdae reads Mrs. Dalloway to Yixing. And then Yixing tries to read Mrs. Dalloway to Jongdae. It's a difficult book so it takes Yixing a while to figure out how to pronounce the words. He's careful and meticulous, and whenever he's not sure about a word, he looks at Jongdae for approval.  
  
Soon, Yixing is immersed in the book, and if he'd look up, he'd see Jongdae stare at him intently. At his lips actually and how they move to let the sounds out. It's a pity he doesn't look up because maybe if he would, Jongdae would kiss him.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Later, when their eyes are tired and their voices hoarse from reading too much, when the few people that were in the common room have all gone and left them alone, Yixing tells him a few of his secrets.  
  
"It was an accident," he says with pink ears, looking remorseful and adorable. "I didn't know starting a bonfire would cause a fire."  
  
"You burned down the night watchman's guardhouse!"  
  
"He wasn't there at the time, and it was cold. I was trying to keep myself warm."  
  
"So you were locked out of the dorm because you lost your student card, and since it was a holiday there was no night watchman to let you in, so you decided to start a fire with old newspapers inside the guardhouse. But the wind made the papers fly everywhere and one ended up setting fire to the whole place? Is that the story you're going to tell your grandchildren?" Jongdae says amused. It’s one hell of a story.  
  
Yixing covers his face with his hands, "It was an accident!"  
  
"I can't believe you weren't expelled," Jongdae realises he sounded a bit condescending, so he adds, "I mean, I'm glad you weren't."  
  
Next to him, Yixing is still covering his face. He spreads his fingers to look at Jongdae from behind them and there’s something in his eyes—something in Yixing—that Jongdae wants to protect. "How come you laugh and smile, but still manage to sound so sad?" Yixing says so quietly that if it weren't for the silence that surrounds them, Jongdae wouldn't have been able to hear him.  
  
He feels his face fall, his smile freeze. He takes a deep breath and says, "I thought I was doing a good job at hiding it. How could you tell?"  
  
"My mum likes to say it's all in the eyes," Yixing says, still looking at him from behind his hands. Jongdae isn't sure if he hears the next thing right, "Your eyes are pretty, but they look sad."  
  
_I am sad_ , he wants to say. Admit it once and for all. But he remains silent for a while until Yixing speaks again.  
  
"I miss my friends," he sighs. "Lu-ge will be gone next year and then I'll be left alone."  
  
Jongdae remembers Yixing's friends. Remembers seeing them walking together around campus, playing basketball, talking in fluent Mandarin. Yixing looks small and lost, Jongdae wants to give him a hug, rub circles on his back and tell him everything will be fine. "But you'll have Minseok hyung," he says instead. Then, almost in a whisper, "And me. You'll have me, too."  
  
Yixing smiles and Jongdae keeps it in his heart, for good luck. "Thanks."  
  


 

 

☆☆☆

 

 

 

 

 

  
Jongdae visits his parents on Christmas. It’s the only time he can see his parents. They moved to Gimhae shortly after Jongdae entered university and announced he was going to live in the campus instead of commuting every morning. His father was offered a job, and he was glad to take it. He always used to say he hated the city.  
  
"I see you made it in one piece," is his mother's greeting. "You should visit more often, you know. Being the only son and all." There's something different about her, more colour, more talk, less sadness. Jongdae doesn't remember the last time he saw his mother this happy.  
  
"You look great, mum," he says and kisses her cheek. She smells different, too. Of flowers and sunshine instead of cologne and concealer.  
  
"I love it here," she smiles. A genuine smile. It takes Jongdae a little by surprise.  
  
"Where's dad?" He puts his bag on the couch and follows his mother to the kitchen. It's warmer here than in Seoul, and Jongdae takes off his gloves and hat, places them on the table.  
  
"He had an early class. He'll be back soon."  
  
"Who has classes on Christmas Eve?"  
  
His mum stops pouring tea to squint her eyes at Jongdae. "Your dad loves his job. He always loved teaching." She takes cookies out of the oven and motions for Jongdae to sit.  
  
He looks at her pace around the kitchen, taking plates and little spoons out of the cabinets. She's humming, happily, and Jongdae has to ask. "You look happy."  
  
"I _am_ happy, son," she says. She finishes setting everything on the table and sits across from Jongdae. "Back in Seoul I was... not okay." She lowers her eyes as she says this, but when she looks at him again, Jongdae can see she's stronger than ever. He braces for what comes next, divorce? Maybe just an amicable break up? "You and your father held me together, you know." _What?_ What is she talking about? His mum reaches out for his hand and gives it a little squeeze. "I will always be thankful for that."  
  
"Mum, what are you talking about?" His mother's hand is warm against Jongdae's cold one.  
  
"Oh, I know you remember. You were such a bright kid and you were so patient with me. I... used to take you with me."  
  
"I remember you used to take me to dad's work. We listened to lectures and walked around campus." Jongdae says a bit confused. They used to take the subway, and Jongdae's mother used to collect the tickets. She never bought a metro card.  
  
"That was fun, wasn't it?" She takes a sip of her tea with distant eyes, as if she and Jongdae were back in that huge campus. "I wanted to be a good mother and a good wife, but I guess I lacked a lot. I was young and immature when you were born, oh but I've always loved you and your father very much." She puts a warm hand on Jongdae's cold cheek.  
  
"Huh," Jongdae says. He had always blamed his father for his mother's sadness. He thinks of his father kissing her goodbye and the way his mother looked at his father’s retreating back every morning, as if she were sad for not being loved properly. But as it turns out, his mother wasn’t looking at his father’s back, she was looking at the door, wanting to be set free. He never thought the sadness came from inside her.  
  
"But I'm good now, Jongdae-yah. I'm happy. I really like it here." She takes a mobile phone out of her pocket and proceeds to show Jongdae pictures of the little garden she keeps with some local ladies. She's in some pictures, too, and she looks radiant. Jongdae realises why his dad hated the city so much.  
  


 

 

☆☆☆

 

 

 

 

 

  
"Are we going to keep meeting here exclusively?" Yixing says as he enters the common room. He's beaming, and Jongdae wishes he were the reason behind it. "I haven't seen you around lately."  
  
So Yixing noticed his absence. Maybe Jongdae can hope after all. "I went to visit my parents for a couple of days."  
  
"Oh," Yixing sits next to him on the couch, smelling as good as ever. "Did you have a good time?" he asks, looking gloomy all of the sudden. Jongdae's amazed at the unexpected change of mood. "I mean, did you visit just your parents? No friends? Boyfriends?"  
  
Jongdae chokes on his own saliva. "I don't have a boyfriend."  
  
Yixing beams and it's enough to send Jongdae's heart racing. "Good. It's just... Your eyes look different. They don't look sad anymore. I mean _not so sad._ "  
  
This makes Jongdae laugh. He guesses Yixing is right. He had been so wrong about his parents. He kept things bottled up for so long and people at arm's length in case they discovered he was broken and was thrown away because of it. But Yixing had seen through him and stayed. They can learn to care for each other and maybe things will be bearable if they're together.  
  
"You're quite sensitive, for a criminal."  
  
Yixing turns red at this. He lets out a grunt, too embarrassed to defend himself with words. He wriggles a little on the couch and then tries to hide his face inside his hoodie but his hand gets caught in his zipper, and as he tries to free himself he hits Jongdae on the head.  
  
"Ouch." It's not as painful as it seems, Jongdae was always told he has a hard head, but he is enjoying Yixing looking all concerned while still blushing from being called a criminal.  
  
"I'm _so sorry,_ " Yixing gently presses his palm to the place where he hit Jongdae, as if he had healing powers. As if he could make the pain go away with the touch of his hand. And as he watches Yixing's face close, so close to him, Jongdae thinks maybe he has. He feels a lot better already. So he kisses Yixing's forehead and relishes on Yixing's flushed cheeks and on the tiny little noise he lets out a bit later, when Jongdae kisses him on the mouth.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Alicia and Yam for your help and support. You’re lovely and wonderful.
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> The title and summary come from Robert Hayden’s poem: Soledad.  
> Books mentioned in this fic: Waiting for Mummy by Lee Taejun, Napoleon’s biography by Frank McLynn, and Virginia Woolf’s Mrs Dalloway.  
> Gimhae is a city in South Gyeongsang. It’s lovely there, if you’re ever interested in going.


End file.
